4.07.2010

Toxic People

Before we get into this post I wanted to address my bread without yeast AND my Just Another Meatless Monday recipe. The bread; I fixed it! If you ever forget to add your yeast while the dough is mixing it can be saved! Simply add 1/4 cup of water to a mixing bowl, 2 TBSP sugar and the amount of yeast needed and a 1/4 cup of flour. Then rip up the unraised bread dough and put it in the bowl. Mix by hand or with your stand mixer with bread dough attachment, which is what I did, until it is well incorporated. I can't imagine trying this by hand but lacking a stand mixer I suppose I would try. Once the dough is mixed well place in a greased bowl and let rise. Proceed as planned but just a little later. The feta vegetable egg pie with rice and nut crust is A KEEPER. So good, so different, so real!

On to this subject that has been on my mind for a while now; toxic people. These are people that make you feel less than happy and robust. Of course I am not talking about people who bring real conversation to your life, or make you think outside your parameters or who may disagree with you about a few things. These are people who never have a positive word to say, whatever you say it's wrong or they've done that and you're still wrong, what you see as a valid point is NOT, they incorporate drama into every little thing, they make you feel like less than nothing and you let them.

Recently I spoke with an old friend, like friends for 20 years friend. I haven't seen her since I had my 6 year old. A long time. As we chatted and caught up I listened to her litany of complaints and suspicions about who was doing what to whom, I felt like we were 18 years again, right back when we cruised the strip and created trouble for the sheer pleasure of being wild kids. Except I'm 39. All her woes made my stomach hurt. My head throbbed. I realized that for the last 6 years her and her toxic trouble had not existed in my life. I had for the most part grown up. A LOT. I have a mature man in my life who doesn't play silly school girl games, like "don't talk directly to my man/woman or I'll think you're starting something".  And truly for the most part our relationship wasn't all about that stuff, we did have real things we talked about and did. But they were tainted by her zest for drama and my addiction to the excitement her drama caused.

My addiction to her drama. I had a part to play in this too. I am no innocent. But having stepped away from this drama for so long I could look upon it with eyes open. She created the excitement, it made me feel special to be in on her latest shenanigans and it felt good at the time. Mind you I had a young boy in my care and I did not participate as wholeheartedly as I did as a single teen girl, but I thrived on the stories. Like a soap opera, except it was all real.

I quickly hung up the phone and began to process my feelings. I have mulled them over for a long time. I have figured out this about myself, I don't want or need toxic people in my life. I will deal with them when I have to but for the most part if you want to use me, make me look stupid, get me into your stupid drama I'm going to have to step back and think about how much I LIKE MY LIFE. I actually really like it and I am constantly amazed at how many people consciously or unconsciuosly try to suck you in to their toxic lives. I don't think it's malicous, I think it's all they know. They are addicted to themselves. I'm glad I have coffee.

I am so glad I got away from the one truly toxic person I was so close to. I love my drama free life. How about you? Am I just way behind the times in growing up? Did everybody discover this and NOT tell me? Or is this that huge thing you just have to figure out on your own? And worse did you all figure this out at 19 and I am 20 years late? Well whatever the case, I'm glad I finally got it.

Peace and Love-


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14 comments:

  1. Toxic people are everywhere. I meet them mostly at work, where their negativity is wrapped like a blanket. I so hear you about their constant contradictions, one-up-manships, snide putdowns, etc. Finally, I have cut them from my life, as one would a wart (for they are a wart on the countenance of a beautiful day) and move away. It is a lesson I am forced to learn over and over again, do not throw pearls to the swine; do not associate with the company of fools.

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  2. SOME people never do learn this very valuable lesson. Be proud of yourself for discovering this truth before your children are off on their own. Maybe you can help THEM learn this life enriching lesson before THEY are 39!! You go girl.

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  3. I enjoyed reading this post. I'm still in the 'student' phase of my life and so I feel it's a little harder to avoid these people as we're all still growing; but I've come to a similar conclusion as you have recently. That those who drag us down aren't worth the fuss.

    However, being a God fearing girl, I've been struggling with the fine line between being kind to these people while not being sucked in. Its so hard! Thanks for sharing this though, its given me some time to reflect more on it :)

    ~Aubree Cherie

    Fun new page banner by the way!!!

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  4. Like the new banner at top! Yes, toxic people can really bring you down. I've always thought, it's fun to hear the drama...just don't get involved in it!

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  5. I figured out about toxic people in my early 20's...I had a young family and I just didn't need negativity in my life. I was able to cut most of it out easily...but the hard part was with family...you can't change your family. And I see a real difference in my kids when they spend time with these negative relations. I try to educate my kids...that is all I can do.

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  6. I just finished reading "Codependent No More", an excellent read, and have finally put the kibosh on taking responsibility for other people's emotions. It's an amazing feeling to finally set aside years of frustration and hurt caused to MYSELF for engaging in dialogue or relationships that were toxic--believing you can change, or help, a person that doesn't want to be helped. Change won't come to those addicted to themselves without exterior motivation.

    Charlie and I are working hard on letting go of 'frenemies' and toxic relationships, and focusing on our own....and working on not burdening each other, and supporting each other, simultaneously. Tricky, because all we want to do is take on whatever's frustrating/hurting the other, and not let the other person process their way out of it. Never felt better, Laura! Thanks for the reality check!

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  7. Surround yourself with positive people and your life is better for it. I like the word you used "Toxic" If I gave your a cup of "Toxic" and ask you to drink it would you? That's how I feel about negative people...cut them out! Glad I found your blog. Have a blessed day!

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  8. Katy, They truly are everywhere hard to avoid and detect sometimes.

    Coleen, Thanks! I can hopefully help my children live a more calm life.

    Aubree-Cherie, certainly I am not advocating rudeness just a removal of myself from their fussing.

    Alyssa, I think thats the fine line listening but not getting involved, because for me sooner or later, my brain power was focused on them and their problems they created. I couldn't NOT get involved.

    Angie, you grew up while I was floundering around, good for you. Me? I'm glad I finally 'got' it. A bit anyway :D. Thanks I'm glad you like my new header, I made it myself.

    Wow Kate! Such a response. I'm glad you and Charlie recognize this now and are starting to figure it out. Co-dependent, haven't heard that word in a LONG time. So smart to deal with all this now and not with a young babe in the mix. You guys are going to be such great parents. Love you :)

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  9. Lazaro, how true if you gave me a cupof poison I would be so mad at you but toxic people? We must be able to 'save' them except they don't want saving.

    Enjoyed your blog as well.

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  10. I think the hardest thing about toxic people is recognizing them. It's only until they go away that you realize how much they were infecting your life.

    And I think some people do crave drama.

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  11. So true hard to see until they are gone!!

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  12. Ahhh Laura Laura Laura this post came at a perfect time for me.

    I have no idea why but I've always been annoyed w/ people my age. I remember even in 2nd grade looking around and thinking how immature the class was, so I was always friends w/ older people. I dropped out of high school and got my GED and was working in an office at 17 w/ 30-40 year olds as my best friends! I think b/c of that part of my personality I realized really early that there are toxic ppl and you DON'T have to put up w/ them.

    That especially hit me like a bolt of lightning when I moved here and J's friends are um... NOT my friends. This isn't some group class project, or some child of your mom's friend that you feel like you're STUCK w/. I realized it's my life and if I don't want to associate w/ these ppl -- guess what?? I DON'T HAVE TO! I'm the boss of me and that includes hanging out w/ who makes me feel good! I apply that same philosophy to everything I do and it is such a saving grace.

    I loved reading about how you realized you'd been free of that for 6 years. The same happens to me - the stomach ache and head pains. It is way too much negativity and stress and I cannot believe I used to partake w/ some ppl. And I will second Coleen's wonderful comment that it's terrific you are raising your boys WITHOUT that feeling she has in her household. Your boys are growing up blossoming and in a positive environment, whereas her children are growing up hearing negative things, surrounded by conflict, gossip, and drama, and the GUILT that goes along w/ it all!

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  13. it is not good to have those kind of people in your life for sure...

    Round Robin is tomorrow..

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  14. thanks for coming by and linking up twice today...

    Have a great weekend..

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