How has this person I have always thought of as my 'Hero', who saved me from myself and drinking and drugs by his very existence grown up to dislike me so much? I keep rolling it over in my mind trying to figure it out and I can't, it seems an unsolvable riddle. His birth was like an awakening, I had so much more to live for than just myself and every step since then has been to make the world a better place for us. Even when the best decisions were the hardest I made them and stuck to them, for us.
It feels like nothing I have ever done has been enough and I have almost always gone without to make sure he had what he needed. There were times when I was single mom making about 12 dollars more than all my monthly bills that I didn't even have underwear but he had pokemon cards and new winter boots. Perhaps that right there is the problem, I gave him everything and made him the center of my world.
Maybe I should have ignored him, let him get bored and entertain himself. Except this child came out never being satisfied. He always needed holding and later entertaining and if those were lacking there was a price to pay. Do children come this way? Or were these rookie mom mistakes, I don't have an answer for that. I do know that I should have worked him harder, he has a great work ethic for others but not for me, he threw a fit and made it miserable to work with him so we often didn't even make him work.
Last month I found things in my house that are illegal and brought it up to him. He became belligerent, rude and lied to me. When pressed he admitted what they were and I told him those things can't happen here, you'll have to find a new place to live. I suppose saying this what I was really looking for was a way to scare him into stopping what he was doing. He moved out, he had no place to go, but he couldn't do what he was doing here so he left.
He called today to ask for a tent, we don't have one. I texted him if he was able to follow simple rules we would always have a place for him. Then I got the don't come to my graduation text. I'd been expecting it for a while now but to see "I don't need you and don't come to my graduation" from this person I have always lifted up and protected was really hard on me. I couldn't even respond, I didn't feel like the things I wanted to say would be understood or listened too.
Is this just rumspringa, the Amish way of letting kids go, knowing you can't force them to be like you. They have to go figure it out? They let their kids go and expect that a certain number won't come back but most will. I guess I'm just a safety net at this point.
What I really feel like is a failure. Mom Fail.
Peace and Love--
You are NOT a failure. Hero needs some space; he needs to succeed or fail in privacy; he needs to brave the elements on his own a little. His request of a tent sounds like a "don't you feel sorry for me" request. Either that, or he has alienated all of his buddies that have couches. Either way, it sounds like he's trying to work things out; he's trying to grow up. You are NOT a failure. Hero is at one of the toughest stages there is. If he REALLY hated you, you would NEVER hear from him again. When he calls, or texts, or whatever...tell him you love him. He WILL come back.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Laura. Trust me when I say that I do understand what you're going through. My headstrong, temperamental teen and I have also been on a rocky road. We love our kids and do the best we can to help them grow into responsible, productive adults. We can only hope and pray that some of it eventually "takes", and we don't lose our minds in the process. Don't beat yourself up. This too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I needed that, someone to give me the right perspective. It just feels SO awful. Thank you Coleen.
ReplyDeleteOh my dear, I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Please go to his graduation anyway, because if you didn't neither you or he will forget it. I wish there was a magic fix but you just have to persevere with love and patience. You are most not a failure. A failure of a parent would be to say, oh well, whatever. But you care and that's a huge winning parent behavior.
ReplyDeleteHis life so far has been a journey for you, a deep, meaningful and life changing journey.
ReplyDeleteNow he is on a journey and it is so going to suck for you. For that I am really, really sorry.
I know this because I went through it from his end. I honestly felt as though nothing I ever did was good enough for my mother and it didn't help that race was an issue when it shouldn't have been, because of various family members.
This isn't a fail on your part, you have done all you could and you have to be fair to yourself, there are certain circumstances WAY beyond your control.
PLEASE don't lose heart. I know it's breaking your heart, but I can tell you from my own experience, this is not forever.
Go to his graduation. Don't let him provoke you, that's his goal. You're his mother, of course you're going weather he wants you to or not, it's not up to him.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. You're doing good now...tough love is tough on him but probably more-so you.
I would say that right now he doesn't like himself very much and doesn't want to believe that anyone else cares for him either, thus, he is driving you away in order to affirm his own negative ideas of himself, his life, his choices. I agree, stand steady in your love and your expectations of him. You are likely the only rock in a sea of uncertainty. Hugs. Katy
ReplyDeleteI think he told you not to come to his graduation because he's afraid you won't be there- not because he doesn't want you to to be there.
ReplyDeleteKids can get prideful- stubborn, just keep on reminding him that you love him and if he wishes to follow the rules he has a place a home with his family.
If this offers you a glimmer of hope, my daughter did something similar, acting badly when we called her on it she moved out. She was young and angry at the world, us mainly- sound familiar?
She learned to be grateful once "out there". She did a lot of growing up during that time and we became very close as a result.
Hoping you both work this out.I know its hard to do but try not to be to hard on yourself.
After reading everyone elses posts, I had to add one more note: GO TO HIS GRADUATION!!! Even if he doesn't approach you at the celebration...GO FOR YOURSELF. Smile, wave and blow kisses. You will be happy you did.
ReplyDeleteOh I'm going to graduation-just to see him do it finally-too many mornings, science projects, conferences, and report cards between us to let it pass. I will be there whether he wants me or not.
ReplyDeleteLaura - I have been to hell and...oh I would say 3/4 of the way back with my oldest. I know the pain you are feeling so well it stings just reading your words. First and foremost you are not a failure! Even though I feel like a failure too deep down I know it isn't true. Raising kids aint for sissies and raising teenagers should be outlawed in all 50 states as cruel and unusual punishment. My daughter brought illegal substances into my home, risked the safety of her younger siblings, caused many, many late night phone calls from the police and scared me to death! Now she's 20 and learning that the hell she creates is her own and not mine. But it has gotten better and I never thought I could live through it. Hang in there, you don't deserve what's being thrown at you but you can handle it. Just be firm and consistent, it sounds like you've known when to do the right thing and what the right thing was. Just stay on that road and he'll come to visit you there, eventually. And a little book recommendation in case things get worse before they get better: Don't Let Your Kids Kill You by Charles Rubin - I think this book saved my sanity. Peace and Love to you - you are not alone! Heather
ReplyDeleteListen well: If you never did anything for that young man (and of course you did), you have just modeled for him the vitally important skill of having good boundaries. How many times have I looked back and been grateful for the people who wouldn't take my shit when it was past their (very reasonable) boundaries? A LOT. You did the right thing; I especially respect and admire your reminding him that he has a home to come to if he'll do his part in treating it like a home, and not a rules-free flophouse. Go, you!
ReplyDeleteFirst, {hug}... so many insightful comments here. I'll just second what your friends here have said: he left you the text because this would be the worst thing for *him* (in his mind) and he will come around, but sadly not w/o a whole lot of heartbreak on both sides.
ReplyDeleteI believe you are a strong mama!
I just fell into your blog and it was so poignant to me at this point in my life. 40ish myself, I still many of those same issues with my own mom. I agree with Heather in SF, go to his graduation either way... it will be a signal to him that you love him no matter of his behavior. Mindy
ReplyDelete"Screaming crazy at something that is crazy only makes it more crazy and draws more attention to it." My mother says that all teens should be treated as if they are brain damaged because the puberty fairy has chased them down and beaten them senseless.
ReplyDeleteGo but expect nothing and leave immediately if he becomes obnoxious. I'll be glad to wrangle little ones. You're a great mom.
"My mother says that all teens should be treated as if they are brain damaged because the puberty fairy has chased them down and beaten them senseless." thanks Steph I needed a good chuckle and damn if it isn't true!
ReplyDeleteHang in there! You are a great mom! :)
ReplyDeleteAs a single mom of a 23 year old son (single since he was 5) I think we all need to hear that we are a "good enough" mom and we do the best we can with what we have at the time. Even puberty stricken teens need to have boundaries and you are a good and responsible parent to try and teach that. Good job! (even if it feels horrible). I've also heard that if your child hates you then you're doing the right thing. I think you should go to the graduation, you've earned it!
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