I've been officially UN-invited to my oldest son's high school graduation, via text. Go ME! It all started, good grief when did it all start? I can't even really begin to understand how the rift between us got started. It has been so long in the building of it that the exact point of fracture is lost. It has it's roots in race, divorce, remarriage, new brothers, father issues, diabetes, step father, biological father and being a hormonal teenager.
How has this person I have always thought of as my 'Hero', who saved me from myself and drinking and drugs by his very existence grown up to dislike me so much? I keep rolling it over in my mind trying to figure it out and I can't, it seems an unsolvable riddle. His birth was like an awakening, I had so much more to live for than just myself and every step since then has been to make the world a better place for us. Even when the best decisions were the hardest I made them and stuck to them, for us.
It feels like nothing I have ever done has been enough and I have almost always gone without to make sure he had what he needed. There were times when I was single mom making about 12 dollars more than all my monthly bills that I didn't even have underwear but he had pokemon cards and new winter boots. Perhaps that right there is the problem, I gave him everything and made him the center of my world.
Maybe I should have ignored him, let him get bored and entertain himself. Except this child came out never being satisfied. He always needed holding and later entertaining and if those were lacking there was a price to pay. Do children come this way? Or were these rookie mom mistakes, I don't have an answer for that. I do know that I should have worked him harder, he has a great work ethic for others but not for me, he threw a fit and made it miserable to work with him so we often didn't even make him work.
Last month I found things in my house that are illegal and brought it up to him. He became belligerent, rude and lied to me. When pressed he admitted what they were and I told him those things can't happen here, you'll have to find a new place to live. I suppose saying this what I was really looking for was a way to scare him into stopping what he was doing. He moved out, he had no place to go, but he couldn't do what he was doing here so he left.
He called today to ask for a tent, we don't have one. I texted him if he was able to follow simple rules we would always have a place for him. Then I got the don't come to my graduation text. I'd been expecting it for a while now but to see "I don't need you and don't come to my graduation" from this person I have always lifted up and protected was really hard on me. I couldn't even respond, I didn't feel like the things I wanted to say would be understood or listened too.
Is this just rumspringa, the Amish way of letting kids go, knowing you can't force them to be like you. They have to go figure it out? They let their kids go and expect that a certain number won't come back but most will. I guess I'm just a safety net at this point.
What I really feel like is a failure. Mom Fail.
Peace and Love--